Sunday, February 16, 2014

There's A Little Veruca Salt In All Of Us

I wish it wasn't true, but sometimes I still feel like a baby; an incredibly awkward, over-sized baby, when I want something that I can't have. I want to scream and shout and throw a fit, and throw things for real, and I want to get what I want, no matter what. But then, reality kicks in and I remember that I'm a grown up (I use the term grown up loosely as I indulge in cookies and wine as my dinner). I'm not a creepy big baby, and I have to accept that I can't always get what I want.

I'm not having a pity party. I do appreciate my life and everything in it. I have a great life. My family is large, insane, generous, international and awesome. My friends are so beautiful that sometimes I cry just thinking about how amazing they are and how I would gladly die for so many of them. I am lucky to be a great relationship and to have had great relationships with beautiful souls in the past. I live in Costa Rica, my dream location that I worked ten years to get to. Everything is good. I am content. I know that I am blessed. But that doesn't change the fact that every once in a while, the little tiny Vercura Salt that lives inside me starts screaming so loudly that I can lose focus and start to regress.
I want it now!!!!!

There are just some things that I want that I can't have. And sometimes that feeling in the pit of my stomach gets so unbearable. It feels like someone is taking a hammer to my insides and going to town. But then something small, like my dog LaDainian giving me a kiss on my toe brings me back to the present and I get over it. Emotions are so strange like that, how they can come and go so quickly, but blindside you with their intensity all at once.

It doesn't help that it's a full moon. I know that some people may think that's a really hippie statement to make but I swear, ever since moving to Puerto Viejo the moon has held so much power over me. Maybe it's the fact that there is less light pollution here than in Oakland, or the fact that there is water everywhere, or maybe it's just the collective energy of so many people that are in tune with nature, but something about this place results in my entire emotional control falling to pieces when that big, beautiful moon emerges in the night sky. She is a fierce force to be reckoned with, I tell ya.

I still struggle so much with shoulds and wants.I know what I should do, what I should be working on, working towards, how I should behave. I also know what I want, what I want to be doing, what I want for me and for everyone else around me. Sometimes the shoulds and the wants align, and other times they don't. I have a hard time finding the balance in life and knowing when my actions are based off of the shoulds or the wants. It's probably the thing that plagues me most in life. A lot of the things that I want to, I think I shouldn't because of how it might affect other people, how it might cause other people problems, or make their lives harder. So, I try to walk that line, find that balance where I stay true to what I want, without sacrificing too much of my own desires, but without causing too much trouble for others. I'm never sure how good of a job I'm doing though, because I never really know what's going on in other people's minds.

Now, I should  go back to work. What I'm supposed to be doing, what I was doing before I got distracted thinking about things I wanted, while drinking my wine and eating my cookies. What I was doing before meeting up with a good friend for a drink. This is one of those times where I know exactly what I want to be doing, and exactly what I should be doing. This time the want is going to win out. Wine and a movie. No more work. Even it's what I should be doing, it can wait, and I know the damages won't be too catastrophic. I've almost made it through today. Tomorrow is a new challenge.

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