2015; Goodbye, Good Riddance, and Thank You

Dear 2015, 

You sucked and I'm glad you're over.

This was by far, one of the hardest years of my life. I know it was also one of the hardest and worst years for many of my friends, near and far, and I'm not sure what cosmic event took place that resulted in so many of my loved ones suffering, but I really hope that as it strikes midnight around the world tonight that the stars realign and we move on from this terrible year.

For all the trouble, the heartache, the fights, the miscommunication, the loss, the grief, the pain, and the tears, I find myself feeling grateful in an odd way. I'm not going so far as to say that I'm happy about certain events that took place and I hope I never have to see so many people so close to me go through so much strife ever again, but in the past few weeks I've found a new perspective for 2015; a new lens through which to view this past year's events and I find that it's working for me right now, it's helping me process some of what took place this past year. 

Life is cyclical and there is always a balance, although sometimes it's hard to see it. Something must die so that something new is born, energy must change shape and evolve into something else, nothing is constant, nothing is certain. All the hardships that my friends, my family, and myself went through this year, in the end, it's helped us become closer. It would be nice to think that we could just go along, having fun, enjoying each others company, cooking dinners together, having some drinks, going dancing and call it a day. But in order to truly bond, to actually discover how much compassion you have for each other, sometimes you've got to hit rock bottom. And from down there, in the shit, at your lowest low, you look around and you see who is still next to you and who's been there before. And that's what this year has taught me, that's what I'll take away from 2015. For that, I am grateful. 

Manure is the best fertilizer and there's a reason lotus flowers only grow in the darkest, murkiest waters. It's the bullshit that creates the beauty. It's the struggle that makes it worth it in the long wrong. It's a hug from your friend when you feel like you can't go on. It's understanding and support and love when you think the world is falling down around you. That's what this year has been, for me and for so many people that I know. 

We've lost parents, grandparents, children, brothers, sisters, lovers, and best friends (human and non-human), we've gone through breakups, we've been hospitalized, had surgeries, we've been robbed, hit, and abused, we've stressed money, we've quit jobs that we loved but no longer served us, we've walked away from relationships that were no longer healthy, even when love was still present, and we've cried so many tears that it seemed we'd shrivel and dry up (luckily there was always enough wine to re-hydrate us). We've been to hell and back, and we're still here. We fell down, we got back up. We fell again, and again, because let's face it, that's the kind of year it has been. But every time we got back up. And here we are, on the last day of the year, still standing and ready to see what the next year brings. We're stronger for it, we're closer for it, we know more love for it, and we can offer more compassion for it. 

There have been hardships in the past and other years that have been difficult and for you, maybe this wasn't one of the worst, but for those of you who thought this year would never end, for those of you who can't believe how many things can go wrong in one year, just remember there will be more obstacles, there will be other years that challenge you, test your strength, make it so you don't want to get out of bed in the mornings, and just like this year, those years will end as well. Those times will pass, and while the pain and grief of certain events will never completely go away, they will lessen with time. And the tears will fall less frequently, and the hurt won't hurt so much, and the time will just keep passing, and the years will keep coming, and you'll find yourself surrounded by more friends and loved ones, who stayed with you through the shit, who held you up when you were too weak, who cooked you dinner and made sure you ate something, hugged you when you couldn't breathe on your own. 

And if you stay open to it, for all the loss there will be love.

For all the pain, there will be joy. 

So thank you 2015 for showing me how loved I am, for reminding me how many people I love. Thank you for pushing me to new limits and forcing me to get stronger. Thank you for reminding me that it could always be worse. Thank you for putting things into perspective. 

And while I'm able to see things in a different light than a few months ago, and while I'm willing to find the silver lining in the past year and feel grateful for lessons learned, at the same time, I still say, 2015, fuck off.

2016, I'm ready for you. I hope we get along better than last year.

What Happens to a Dream Fulfilled?

What happens to a dream fulfilled? 

Does it sit upon the shelf like an old forgotten toy, a keep sake for some day when a story should be told?

What happens to a dream fulfilled? 

Does it get replaced by the next ambition, the next goal, the next big adventure?

Does it get forgotten, stored in the attic, set aside like a worn out t-shirt?

We’ve pondered the question of a dream deferred, thank you Mr. Hughes, but what of the dream fulfilled? What of this goal we’ve met, this obstacle subdued, this mountain climbed, what of this dream fulfilled?

Perhaps for those who’ve only deferred dreams, a dream fulfilled seems a glorious thing, a chance to reach the highest heights. Perhaps for those who’ve fulfilled their dreams, a dream deferred seems a welcome reprieve, a chance to continue dreaming, an ideal as yet unmet. 

Like a lover you’ve dreamed of, the real thing is often not as pleasing as the idea or the fantasy. We tend to live too fully in our minds, in our perceptions, that we often forget that reality has a different sense of humor. 

What comes next for the runner who completes a marathon, the writer whose works are published, the entrepaneur whose business succeeds, the lover turned husband, the beauty turned wife, turned mother, what next? What more can the future hold for a dream fulfilled, the goal met, the challenge conquered.  Where do we go from here?

What if the grape never turned to a raison, what if we just ate the grape, or made a fine wine with it?

What if the sore didn’t fester, but simply healed and not even so much as a scar was left to remind us of what had happened.

What if nothing sagged or became heavy, what if nothing exploded? What if we managed it all, we carried the load, and we reached our destination, mission accomplished, goal attained, what then?

They tell us to shot for the moon because if we miss we’ll land among the stars, but what then? What if we actually make it to the moon, are we to live there for the rest of our lives, enjoying the solitary celebration of lunar success? And what if we land on the fucking stars? Should we enjoy our time in celestial ecstasy because we succeeded, albeit to a lesser extent and alone? 

Is this what becomes of dreams fulfilled and their dreamers? Are we to revel in our success in lonely corners of the universe, afraid to dream the new dream for seeming selfish? Do we dare to check the box “Finished” and start scheming the new plan? What pompous asses must we seem to those who still are striving for their ultimate, but what will they do when they get it? Did anyone ever tell you how that would play out?

Maybe we weren’t supposed to make it this far. Perhaps this was not part of the plan. If we had failed, this wouldn’t be an issue. If the dream had been deferred, we could ask a different set of questions, we could go on imagining one outcome, one final goal that we may never reach, but we did it, we fulfilled this dream, and now what? I don’t think they planned on this happening. I don’t think we planned on this happening. 

We’re so used to getting it wrong, we’re so accustomed to failing, we’re so sure that’s not going to work, that this, well THIS, working out, making sense, all of it happening, like it was supposed to, like it was part of some plan bigger than us, well this threw us for a loop. 

So, back to the drawing board, on to the next dream, the newest goal, the hottest trend, the greatest generation, the golden egg, fuck it, the emperor’s new clothes! Let’s try for something else, because they told us this was crazy, and they were actually right but we lived through it, so let’s roll this dice, let’s try for a new one, double or nothing, I’m feeling lucky. 

What happens to a dream fulfilled?

It becomes a new hole on your belt, a notch on your bedpost, a story for the grandkids, a new troll doll for your collection, a trading card you weren’t sure you’d ever possess. A dream fulfilled becomes a lover that you remember fondly. A smell that will always linger in your nose. A faded picture that you’ll carry from house to house, continent to continent. A stuffed rabbit with one eye missing. A scar that never fades, even as the years pass.  A song that you haven’t heard in over 20 years yet still know all the lyrics to.

A dream fulfilled becomes a memory. A dream fulfilled becomes a layer of you. Another puzzle piece that fits inside of you. 

A dream fulfilled becomes just that, you, your past. 

So,….. what else where you dreaming of?

You Will Fail

In life, you will fail. More often than not, you will fail. I’m not being pessimistic or negative. I am telling you the truth. You know, that little thing that we try to forget, that little thing that we ignore when it doesn’t serve our purpose.

In this life, you will fail more often than not. You will try a lot of things, and you will try hard, you will give it your all, and you will fail. And in the failing, you will learn, you will grow, you will struggle, cry, hurt, and fall apart, but you will become. It is through our failings that we learn the absolute beauty of success, that we see what a rare, unique thing it is to get something right. 

Our hearts will break a dozen or a hundred times before we find a partner that we can count on, connect with. 

We will work jobs upon jobs that we will quit or be fired from before we find a place where we want to stay, work at something we love. 

We will live in apartments, houses, condos, countless places after leaving our first home, before we find a place that can hold us, that can nurture us, that can make us feel like we’ve finally landed somewhere worth staying. 

Friends will come and go and only a small elite will transcend the years, the decades, the pain, the heartbreaks, the wandering. Those friends will be there forever, into the next life as well (if you believe in that sort of thing, they’ve been there all along).

We’ll bury cats, dogs, goldfish, and hermit crabs, we’ll say goodbye as often as we say hello, and we will never know when it’s coming. 

Our hearts will break, our souls will hurt, our eyes will cry, we’ll hug pillows alone in bed at night dreaming of a better life, dreaming of a soul mate, dreaming of a storybook ending.

And then, like the sun shining through the clouds one day, we will succeed. 

We will win a game, find a lover, say “I do”, welcome a child into the world, feel fulfilled, teach our dog a new trick, help a friend tow their car, say the right words to a loved one in pain. 

We will get it right.

And it will be so sweet, so brief, so wonderful, so blessed, that all the failings will fade away. For every hundred things you’ve done wrong, the one thing you’ve done right will shine, like the brightest star, warm your heart, dry your tears, fill your soul.

Every tear that you cried is like a seed of laughter, planting itself in your belly for later. 

Our lives are nothing more than a story we write each day, a movie someone else is watching. We decide, to an extent, what will happen to us each day, what our reaction will be to the various other characters that we encounter. We do not have the luxury to choose our co-stars, we are just actors and writers, we are not the producers after all. But we do have the ability to control the courses of action that we take. And while we will fail often in this life, much more often than we would like to think, we at least have the freedom to choose our reactions to our failings. Will we learn from them? Will we laugh them off as silly mishaps? Will we read into them our futures, our destinies? Will we be disappointed, deterred from trying again, afraid of failing all over?

And in this we find our true character. Do we press on, continue forward, try again despite public opinion, despite the fear of failing all over. Do we stand back up and say let’s have another go, or do we lie down and let life make a fool of us? How do we proceed?

It may sound bleak to realize that we will fail more often than not but in truth, it is refreshing. It allows us to fail without shame. It allows us to fail repeatedly without apologizing. It allows us room to grow, to try again, to fight against all odds, to never give up, to believe that it will get better.

If we stop believing, we will never learn that new dance move, we will never break our own personal best record, we will never learn a new language, apply for a new job, go on that first date. With each fail, we become stronger, we become more resilient, we become more connected to each other, more empathetic, more understanding.

 With each failure, we become.

Do we see ourselves as failures or successes? What do we base it on, the final outcome or the hundreds of attempts? What if we never succeed, despite years of effort, do we count for nothing or do we get credit for trying? Succeed or fail. Get it wrong or right. Finish it or don’t.  But what about walking away? What about calling your own failure? Realizing that you’ve gained all you can, that you have succeeded as much as is possible and also realizing that nothing more will come of continuing this……this job, this relationship, this friendship, this goal, this book, this song, this poem, this painting, this project, this letter, this laundry, this WHATEVER!

Maybe it’s OK to fail, to be your own judge, to decide that you failed at this one thing; that it didn’t work out, that you can leave it where it lies, that you are released, you are free, you are no longer obliged, beholden, responsible. You are done, and you failed, and it’s OK, you can let it go. 

What if you could walk away, with no guilt, with no remorse, with a pride that you tried and you failed, and that’s enough, for today, that’s all we need, because we remember that failing is more normal than not, that failing it what we all have in common, that failing is normal, failing is human, failing is godlike, failing is fine. 

It’s fine.

 It’s fine that it didn’t work out. It’s fine that you gave it your all, it’s fine that you don’t want to do it anymore. It’s fine that you don’t love him, love her, want it, care about it. 

It’s fine. You failed. You became. You’ll do it again. You will fail more often than not. You will continue to become. You can leave it behind you now. We all know it. It’s the same. We’re the same. 

We all fail. We all succeed. 

We all become.